Welcome back to the Oxendine Law podcast. Today we're going to talk about something that's entertaining, something that we get asked a lot about in our divorces, and that is dating during divorce. The big question that comes up, and it's always an honest question. It's always a good question. It's always a sincere, genuine question. Can I date? You're in the middle of your divorce case. It's not over yet. Can I start dating? And sometimes a better question might be, should you start dating, not can you? And those are always two different things. So today we're talking about how dating during the divorce can affect your case, can affect the emotions, can affect the negotiations, can affect the finances, and how that can affect the children, and just the overall case itself. So I'll start with a basic premise. You're in a marriage. It's felt like it's been over for years. Um, you have been waiting. You've been suppressing. Uh, you have not crossed over the line. You've been a good boy. You've been a good girl. But it's clear your marriage is over. The time has finally come. You no longer live together. Your spouse is in one residence and you're in a different one. And naturally, you would think, "It's time. I can start dating." And our response is always going to be, "Yes, you can. However, should you?" >> Yeah. There are consequences. >> There could be consequences. So, today we want to talk about those consequences. And Christine and I will kind of start batting back and forth. And I'll give you some reasons uh and some consequences and then Christine will give you some different illustrations. And I'll start with the one. Let's say you are a spouse that's ready to move on. You're excited. We have those people that come into our office and they cannot be happier to be there because their marriage is finally over and they're planning their divorce party. Yes. new life, new me, all the doors of opportunity are open and I'm going to take advantage of that. And your spouse is upset. They didn't see this coming for whatever reason. They don't want the divorce and they are emotionally tangled with you and your marriage and upset about getting divorced. and all of a sudden you start dating somebody and you hold it out in the open and you flaunt it in front of him or her and they see pictures on Facebook. Guess what they're going to start thinking? Number one, they're going to start thinking, "Aha, now I know why >> I'm getting divorced because you've been cheating on me for years." Yep. >> Clearly, this relationship with your new boyfriend or girlfriend has been going on for a long time. >> I've always suspected it. Now I have the proof. Yes. So, can you Yeah. Anytime you start dating somebody um after the divorce is filed and you're separated, that is not that is post-sepparation conduct. It can't be used against you unless you do certain things that we'll talk about in a second. But it's not grounds for the divorce. Your spouse can't say that the reason for the divorce is due to adultery because that was not the reason for the divorce. But that doesn't mean that they're going to automatically agree with that. They're going to now claim that you have you are committing adultery and you've been committing adultery for years. And so now they're going to be scouring through your finances. They're going to be doing more discovery. The emotions are going to be higher. It's going to be more difficult to get that spouse to put the emotions aside and make good rational business decisions to settle your case because you now are dating somebody and you flaunted it in their face. Again, you can, but should you? Christine, other examples. >> First of all, I want you to think about why are you so dead set on dating right now, bro? You just got out of a marriage, right? Like, and like you said, you could have just been emotionally, mentally moved on already, and so you've been waiting for this day. But honestly, if you really are dating with intent, do you want to start a relationship in a position where you're in the middle of a divorce? Probably not. If you're not dating with intent, which I condone, right? like everybody gets to have their fun. That can wait. So, it's got to be one or the other. You're either dating because I am ready to move on. I'm ready. I know what I don't want in a partner now. This marriage has taught me how to be a better spouse, but it's also taught me the type of spouse I want. I'm ready to go find him or her and settle down again. Like, I've I've learned from my mistakes. I'm ready to find my forever. Okay, great. If that's the scenario, don't do it during your divorce. Just don't. You're not emotionally ready. you don't want to start that new relationship in that situation. Um, if that's not it, if it's I need to blow off some steam, okay, great. You probably do. That can literally wait like three months. So, just give that a break. So, that's my general advice. There's no reason to do it. There is not a reason to do it. You want to. There is a maybe in your mind a justification for it, but I can assure you now we have scenarios sometimes where somebody's like, "Hey, I want to buy a house." And we're like, "Oh, you probably shouldn't buy a property right now." They said, "No, no, no. It's just it's available right now. It's in the neighborhood I've always wanted." Okay, that's a one-time thing. A job opportunity came up, but it's in another city. Okay, that's a onetime thing. Just dating is not a onetime thing. It's going to be there when you get done. So, my general advice is you're never going to regret just holding off for a minute. But if you're not taking that general advice, let's talk about being safe about it. Um, so first things first, don't flaunt it to anybody. I'm not saying you have to completely move in secret and wear a disguise when you go somewhere. Don't be at the restaurant you know he goes to all the time. If you're at a member of a country club, do not take him or her to the club. You and your spouse work out at the same gym. Don't go to the gym with your new partner. Um that makes your intent look bad. That makes whether it's your intent or not, that makes it look like you're intentionally doing this to get under their skin, to make a splash, to make waves. You're here for the drama. We don't want that. So, if you just have to move on and you've just met the perfect person and you cannot wait, um, just be really discreet about it, be really smart about it, you will definitely never regret that. And if that is the one, your foundation and relationship with that news person will be much stronger because you didn't involve it and necessarily in the drama that is your divorce. Even the calmst of divorces have drama because it's just a dramatic process. So, don't involve, don't, you know, sort of taint your new relationship with the drama that has come with your divorce. Um, so, you know, you can wait. If you can't wait, just be discreet, be calm, move slow. Um, and don't make the same mistakes you did the first time because you probably rushed into the first one and that's what got you here. >> If you do do it, some more pitfalls to avoid. And, and there are circumstances where, look, it happen. Look, we get it. Life happens, right? You there's there are reasons that you want to do it. We get that. We're human. We understand it. And sometimes it happens. And sometimes your spouse knows about it. I've had cases where both parties are dating new people. Sure. Okay. So, that makes it even more less likely that you're going to start dating somebody. But guess what? That can still get out of hand. And here's what I mean. >> Had cases where uh the client starts dating somebody, really love this person or think you love them. Uh but anyway, you're so head over heels, you really start spending some money on them. So, even though your divorce is still pending, even though you haven't divided up that savings account yet, you say, "Ah, you know, I got this savings account in my name. I'm going to take my new girlfriend or boyfriend out to the Bahamas for the weekend, and I'm just going to pull out a few thousand dollars from the savings account, and I'm gonna pay for the trip." >> Well, guess what? That money that you just pulled out of the savings account is still subject to division of the divorce case. and now you've spent that money, can't get it back, and so your spouse is going to be looking for an offset from that money that you spent. And what does that do? That brings the temperature up in your divorce and makes the negotiations more difficult. Especially makes the negotiations more difficult if you're spending um the only amount of money that's there, right? I mean, it's one thing if there's a big pot, okay, we can offset that. Just know there's going to be an offset later if if she catches it or he catches it or they're attorney >> offset with tax most likely. asking for a penalty. But if you spent money that and you spend it all and it's all gone, you're going to be have to come out of pocket most likely out of your paycheck going forward to recompensate your spouse for the money that you pulled out. So that's that's another uh danger of dating for divorce. If you're going to do it, keep it quiet, but also don't spend your spouse's money that they have a claim to on that person because that's going to come back and bite you in the butt. The other problem that we have is you think this person's great, you're going to get engaged to them as soon as the case is over with. And you feel even though you're not divorced yet, that now is the time for them to meet your kids, >> right? >> So, it's your weekend or it's your week, boyfriend or girlfriend's there because they basically moved in with you at this point. >> I'm not going to make them leave just because my kids are coming. My she or he is great. My kids are going to love this person. They need to meet him or her now. >> Yeah. Slowly trans. Have you heard? We need to slowly transition them in. I don't want to just So if we start introducing them now, then by the time things are, you know, done, I can just move on. >> So you do it. Kids come over. Y'all have an amazing time. >> Yeah, great time. >> It was a great few days. You grilled out. Everybody was laughing. Everybody's swimming in the pool. It was just an amazing week or weekend. Well, kids go back to mom or dad. Guess what, mom? We met Cindy or we met Jonathan. Who's Cindy? Who's Jonathan? You know, and then they get interrogated about Cindy or Jonathan. And then they get interrog they meaning your kids get interrogated by your spouse. What did y'all do? Um and they are absolutely upset >> and they should be. >> Yeah. >> Because number one, the judge is going to agree with your spouse. You shouldn't be introducing the kids to a new romantic partner before you're even divorced from that kid's parent. >> No. >> Right. Number one. Number two, you're going to have some issues now on your custody and parenting time schedule because everybody's going to start questioning your judgment. The judge is going to question your judgment. That could impact uh the amount of parenting time you get going for. It's certainly going to put your spouse in a state of anger to where they're going to be less likely to negotiate with you reasonably. So, I would say, you know, if I'm going to be adamant about anything as part of this conversation, it's if you're going to date, you do not need to under any circumstance introduce your children to your new boyfriend or your girlfriend before the divorce is over with. >> And also, okay, get the scenario where, oh, it's not an introduction. We've known Tom for years. Our families have been friends for years. They know Tom. They already know him. Like, my kids love him. It's fine. No, it's not fine. Like, no, it's not. If you're dating Tom and your kids have known Tom for over five years because he used to live up the road or you're, you know, he's another baseball dad on your kids' team, so they already know him. Okay, you do not need to have Tom around the kids then when it is your time. And if it's a natural thing where you are all at practice, okay, fine. But, you know, it's still going to be quite suspicious if suddenly Tom's at every little cookout or he comes to dinner every night. um and your kids go back and start reporting that. So don't think just because they already have an established relationship with this person because that does happen. I mean very frequently like usually if someone's moving on that quick, chances are they knew the person in some capacity for a little bit of time now. I mean sometimes you get a co-orker situation. So probably your family doesn't know your co-workers that well. Um may not have ever met them at all depending on the size of where you work or the nature of your work. Um so you know it may be that you know this person very well and your family doesn't. But if this is a family friend, and that just it happens, right? I don't fault people for that. But you still have to navigate it in a very specific way. You can't just think, well, kids know Tom. They've always loved Tom. They get along great. So, I can just immediately, oh, good news. Like, I date Tom now. Like, that's not how that works. >> Yeah. And the last point that I'll make that I'll leave y'all with is, you know, we've talked about dating somebody during the divorce. I think a lot of this advice equally applies post divorce. Um, think about your kids, right? I mean, you should have a temperature and a feeling for your kids and how they are coping with the divorce. If your kids are older and they're mature and they were the kids that were like, "Gosh, mom or gosh, dad, I can't believe you stayed in this marriage as long as you did. Thank God. Congratulations. We're so happy for you." Those kids are going to more readily and quickly accept being introduced to a new person. And maybe that's something that could happen very quickly after the divorce. I still think you need to handle the right way. Don't start having that person start spending the night immediately every night your kids are there because they're still going to need that. It's still an adjustment for them. I don't care how old they are. It's transition. They're adjusting to their new life with single parents. So, I would still say even under that circumstance, do it slowly. But especially in the circumstance where your kids have just gone through a nasty, hostile divorce, they're younger. Maybe they've been put in the middle by one or both parents. Maybe they've been put in the position of having to choose and express which parent they want to live with primarily over the other. Or maybe you just know that your expouse is going to carry hard feelings from this and it has caused some type of negative emotional trauma to your kids. Those kids need time to heal. They don't need to be introduced to some new romantic partner. And so you need to make sure that you are very wise and careful about how you do that. Um in terms of the initial introduction, you know what you do together that first time. I mean, they're appropriate things I think that you can do when you first introduce somebody. Make sure it's somebody that you've been dating for a long period of time. We see that all the time where all of a sudden like it is a revolving door of new people that these kids are getting introduced to. That's not good for your kids. So, you make sure that you've made the commitment to that relationship first, then slowly introduce that person to your children. And if you handle it the right way, you can move on with dignity. >> Sure. >> And I would say, look, you absolutely get to move forward. just make sure that what you do today does not unnecessarily complicate uh what you need in place for tomorrow. So again with offices in Sani, Georgia and Athens, Georgia, we are here to help you and navigate this process for you every step of the way. Subscribe wherever you listen. As always, we look forward to seeing you next time.