Welcome back to the Oxend Dine Law podcast. Jared Oxendine and Christine Palmer here. And today we're going to talk about how divorce impacts children at different ages. In other words, a three-year-old experiences divorce differently than a 13-year-old. A teenager is going to experience divorce differently than a college student, for example. So today we're going to be discussing how divorce affects children at different stages of development and what parents can do to help. So Christine, we get this concern all the time both in people that have either filed for divorce or they're trying to consider whether or not to file for divorce and they will say, "How is this divorce going to affect my kids?" >> Right? >> And we have to answer that a lot. Um, and really there is an over overarching thing that we talked about in recent episodes that basically says, "Look, don't stay in a bad marriage for your kid's sake because you're doing them a disservice, right? They feel the tension, they see the awkwardness, they feel the anxiety, they see the eggshells everybody's watching on. It's better for them to get out of that environment into a good environment before they get old enough to remember. I mean, I guess that's one one difference, right? If you have a young child, newborn 1 2 3 toddler age, and you're in a toxic household environment, they may be a little more naive to it because they are not mature enough to really understand and see what's going on. They may not even be comprehending what's going on. They may not even be noticing what's going on depending on their age. And that obviously would be different than the people that stayed married through that toddler years. And now you've got a teenager that's grown up in that environment. Obviously that teenager is going to experience a divorce differently than the toddler or the newborn would. >> Right? So I think the biggest thing that parents should remember is whether your child is, you know, 11 months, 11 years or getting ready to go off to college at all ages. You can protect your children by behaving yourself, by shielding them from the negative effects, by encouraging and promoting their relationship with the other parent. So no matter their age, at the end of the day, the parents control the level and the amount of negative effects that children receive. One of the bigger impacts is in a marriage where some event has occurred that has caused the the marriage to break up. So if children are in fact used to a happy home and what you would have all considered a happy home and one spouse makes a one of those just fatal mistakes, a cheating, a um financial fatal mistake or whatever that occurs. So that shift is going to be very hard on children whether they're three, 10, 15. That's something that's very hard to shield them from, but at the same time, just don't let them feel the effects of what you and your spouse are going through. But, you know, at any age, children are still resilient. At any age, children are going to adjust to a transition. Um, so I think the more important thing is regardless of their age, how you communicate with them, how you involve them. I encourage parents like you know your child's level of which you can involve them. Don't let this happen like behind their back. Like let them be involved to a degree. I'm not saying over involved like this is a very sensitive topic but one of the biggest issues children in divorce have is a lack of control and a fear of what the future is going to look like. So do have check-ins with them. And if you can calmly do it with your spouse, that's the best way to do it. if they see a united front and they know that number one, you're not gonna be able to get away with stuff, right? Like you can't start doing the whole playing mom against dad, we're still a united team, we still both love you. Um those are the kind of things that you can do to shield a child at any rel at any age, honestly. Um to make sure that the impact of your choices and your divorce don't impact their futures for the rest of time or their relationship with the other parent. >> Well, and I think all that's correct. I I would say that I think there are um different rules um or things that you should keep in mind depending on the age of your child. Um and so for example, if we were starting with toddlers and elementary age children um I think those aged children are going to be much more prone to having issues with routine disruption or separation anxiety. I would say if you're in a divorce situation with a toddler or an elementary age children, obviously mom's household is going to run differently than dad's household and vice versa. I'm not saying the households need to run the same, but do your best to keep the children on the same routine. Um, you know, try to be on the same page with your spouse as to what that child's daily routine is, whether it's bedtime, um, what they do during the day, um, keeping them in tune with whatever their friend group is. um trying to maintain that routine and also one of the worst things you can do especially for young children is to cause a separation anxiety right I mean arguably it's better for toddler and elementary age children to see both parents more frequently not less frequently so I think those are a few things just to kind of keep stability present that would be important for children of that age group >> sure another highlight for those younger age children and I unfortunately see this one often Um, just because your child is only three or four, please don't think you can just talk crap about the other spouse in front of them. Oh, they don't know what's going on. They don't understand. Yes, they do. 100% they do. And I I see people all the time, they'll try to bring their children into our consultations, into the office, and oh, they can sit in. They don't know what's going on. They don't know what I'm talking about. She's only three. He's only four years old. Yes, they do. So, I don't care if that is an absolute baby. Temper what you say in their presence. Just get in the habit of it now. Like it doesn't matter if they're only one and maybe they don't understand, but you just don't want to set that precedent because then you become so comfortable talking badly about the other parent in the presence of the child that you may develop that habit. So just remember that they see things, they repeat things um in a situation where you may have a guardian involved. How many times have you had a guardian say, "Well, I met with the four-year-old. He had a lot to say." You know, and this >> and they usually tell more of the truth. Oh gosh. Yes. And the parents are so embarrassed. I didn't know he caught on to that. I didn't know he heard that. I didn't know, you know, I well, I went in the other room. Okay, they're still ear hustling. They hear you, you know. So, um, just please do be very cognizant of the way that you speak about the other spouse, the heavy topics that you bring up, whether even if it's not talking bad about spouse, if it's about money, how many times have you had a guardian say, "Well, you know, she told me she didn't want to do cheer this year." Ask her why. I thought maybe she was having some, you know, struggles at school. U maybe she was feeling some kind of way and that was affecting her socially. No, she told me that she knows that mommy can't afford it. >> Well, and that kind of ties in nicely to the next age grouping, you know. So, next we would talk about middle school age children. And I would say Christine that those children are more susceptible to becoming emotionally withdrawn >> from parents engaging in the type of behavior that you just just discussed. Because keep in mind folks, your kid, >> I don't care at what age, even if they're not willing to admit it. But especially in middle school age, they love both parents. Yeah. >> They want to please both parents. And how many times, Christine, have you been in a situation where one parent just wants to get custody and the child's technically old enough to sign an affidavit saying they want to live with one parent over the other >> and the child signs that affidavit to make that parent happy, but then they change their mind later. >> Yeah. >> Right. They say, "Oh, I want to spend just as much time with mom, too, dad. I mean, I signed that because you asked me to." But really, now they sign an affidavit for mom, right? And now there is no affidavit anymore because you can't sign two. But what that tells you is that your kids don't want to be in the middle of it, right? >> They love both of you. So, I would say if you start talking negatively about the other parent constantly to that child, thinking you're going to enlighten your child or make them hate the other parent, at that age specifically, I think you're going to create loyalty conflicts. >> Your child is going to tell you what you want to hear and then go and tell the other parent what that parent wants to hear. And the negative consequences associated with that, which at the end of the day hurts the child, is that that child can become depressed. They can become emotionally withdrawn. Their self-confidence can diminish and it's all because the parents don't get along and they haven't had proper discussions uh in the presence of the child. >> Yeah. And remember, you know, you don't stop raising a child because you're going through a divorce. Like don't get distracted. You're teaching them to emotionally manipulate. You're teaching them to use emotions as leverage and as tools. like it could backfire on you one day. They may turn it back around, you know. So, remember that you're still raising children. Like Jared and I will handle the divorce part. You focus on just being the best parent that you can be. That's how you shield your kids at any age from a negative effects of a divorce. >> That's right. So, that brings us to probably the most difficult age depending on your situation, and that's gonna be teenagers. >> Yeah. >> So, look y'all. I mean, teenagers are already confused, right? I mean, they're already at puberty levels. hormones are going crazy. They got changes happening with them personally. They've got more pressure than they've ever had with friends and peers and school and, you know, responsibilities that they've got, places they want to go, people they want to see, and then all of a sudden the parents are going to dump their crap on top of them, too. Teenagers are going to receive that much differently. Um, you run the risk of having your teenager become rebellious. >> They may run away from home, >> right? They may, I hate to say, I've seen situations where they they start to um hurt themselves or harm themselves or threaten to hurt or harm themselves to try and get attention or try just to get everybody to stop, right? >> Um the other thing that I'd point out with teenagers is don't fit the square peg in a round hole. I see parents try to do that too often, right? It's great that you've got a parenting time schedule and it says it's your weekend, right? But if you've got a 16-year-old, 15-year-old for that sake, what even a 14-year-old, like they have things they want to do, right? Right. And they may want to go to the football game on Friday night, or they may want to go on a date with their girlfriend or boyfriend, or they may want to get together with their friends, or they may want to just Netflix and chill on the computer with their friends. I don't know. I'm not saying don't ever have that child spend time with you, but there's times where it's okay to let that child do what they want to do instead of forcing your parenting time on them. Because the problem with that is you try to force that peg and the that square peg in the round hole, your relationship with your child is just going to grow further and further apart. >> Yeah. I will tell you probably one of the worst examples of exactly that that I've experienced. I represented a mom and it was she was either the daughter was 14 or 15 years old and it was like school dance weekend and it fell on dad's weekend and all she wanted was to be home to her mom to do her hair. She was at an age where it was just very important that she look her best, be her best. She was so excited. That's just sort of in their situation, not all. In this that's a mom thing. That's a mom event. I want to be with my mom to do my makeup, to do my hair, to help me tie my dress. Um, and dad just refused. I don't care. It's my weekend. I can do that. But fatal flaw. He also said that, you know, his girlfriend could help, which never is a good sign. But regardless, what that did was drive a wedge that we never got past ever. I mean that entire custody case took a turn all because of school dance weekend because she what happened was the daughter felt disrespected. It wasn't about I prefer mom over you. It was I told you I explained to you why I wanted to be in this space at this time with this person whether she's mom or not. And that can happen with a sibling. My brother's home from college. He doesn't come home much. I want to stay home cuz he's home. No, it's my weekend. And also don't treat it like currency such that okay well we'll have to ask your mom if you can trade weekends. You know sometimes just give up a little time and I promise you that it's ultimately going to work out to where they're going to do the same with you. It's like oh dad. Oh really? Are y'all y'all are doing that that weekend? Can I come? Well, it's your mom's weekend. I'll talk to her. Yeah, we're going camping. You know just you can get to a situation where that's reciprocal. But if you are forcing a teen to do something a teen doesn't want to do. And look, you're still a parent. Um, I'm not saying just let them go rogue and run wild. But if they've given you a valid reason and a valid explanation for why they want to be in a certain place at a certain time with a certain person, it's smart to just give them that. Let them do it or even compromise. All right, Saturday night, do your dance thing. Do you care if we do breakfast Sunday morning? It's not an all or nothing. >> If you're a parent navigating divorce, make sure you are subscribed. These conversations are designed to help families make difficult decisions, but inform decisions during difficult times. With offices in Athens and Sani, Oxendine Law is here to guide you through every stage of the divorce process. We'll see you next time.