Welcome back to the Oxendine Law podcast. Jared Oxendine and Christine Palmer here to discuss all your family law and divorce needs. Today we're going to talk about a situation that unfortunately some of you may find yourselves in in your divorce case. Uh and that is a high conflict divorce case. Not all cases are high conflict. A lot of cases resolve amicably. They resolve quickly. But sometimes you have to strap in for the long haul and deal with a high conflict case with a high conflict spouse. So we're gonna dedicate this episode to that topic so that you're armed, equipped, and ready to fight the longhaul battle. So let's dive right in. Christine, every once in a while, we'll get a case where we just can't agree on anything. It's a high conflict contested custody battle. high asset or even if it's not high asset, it's just hotly contested. For whatever reason, both parties are digging their heels on on the finances and we're on opposite sides of the spectrum on how the asset should be divided. And on top of that, we're dealing with parties that don't communicate well. They're at each other's throats and they're mostly charged and they just need a judge to tell them how the case is going to be finalized. Those cases occur >> and they do. And let me tell you, the only one of those situations that can be prevented is the last one, which is the parties are each other's throats and they are personally high conflict. I tell my clients all the time, just because a divorce is high conflict. To me, a high conflict divorce means parties don't consent or agree how assets should be divided. Parties don't consent or agree how the house should be split or they don't consent or agree as to custody and parenting time. That is a high conflict divorce. That's different than high conflict clients. You can manage how high conflict you are. You cannot manage how high conflict the other side is. So, don't match their energy. And sometimes being a high conflict client, if you bring that down, they'll actually come match your energy. So just because the actual divorce is high conflict or the actual divorce is highly contested does not mean you have to become a high conflict client. You can still get yourself in therapy. You can still work on going ahead and separating emotionally from the situation. The quicker that you can treat your high conflict divorce issues like a business decision rather than personal and emotional decisions, the better off you're going to be. So, I don't I want people to understand there's a huge huge difference. Highly contested or high conflict in the issues does not automatically mean you have to be petty, mean, name calling or see the other human, the person as an enemy. Um, that's when the attorneys come in. Let us do the conflicting. Let us do the battling. that's literally what you pay us for. Don't take that into your personal life. Don't take that home. And definitely don't take that around your kids. Don't bring that energy into the personal side. It's very difficult. I know it's easy for me to say and more difficult for you to do, but remember my comments every time you go home and remember, okay, this is becoming high conflict personal. I'm becoming a high conflict client and my attorney warned me about this. So that's when you use our phrase. This is a conversation for the attorneys. >> Yeah. Let us be the bad guy if we need to be the bad guy. And like Christine said, some of that you can control, some you cannot control. We do have cases where there is a legitimate custody dispute. In other words, where both parties have very good arguments to make as to why they should have custody and why the other parent should not. And sometimes those cases have to go to court to get a resolution. And that's okay. Um, same thing with asset division. Sometimes we have complex issues resolved uh surrounding the the division of assets and both parties have good arguments to make to where the judge may go with one party, the judge may go with the other party and because both parties have legitimate arguments and maybe the asset in question is so large to where it makes sense for a court to make a decision >> or something you can't divide >> or something you can't divide. >> It's something that one part is going to get or the other and the other will get an offset. >> Right? So those are the things you can't always control. But like Christine said, you can control whether or not you are a high conflict client yourself. What you can't control is if the other person is deciding to be high conflict, but you can mitigate and you can diffuse the bomb, so to speak. And what we mean by that is be disciplined in your communication. >> Yes. >> Don't if they're trying to stoke you and gaslight you and get a rise out of you, don't give them that satisfaction. When you're dealing with those high conflict type of people, that's what they want. >> They thrive on conflict. They thrive on it. They are trying to get you to come to the table and match their energy and then they're just going to take it next level, next level, next level. And you're going to be exhausted and you're going to be so fed up with the process to where you're going to lose sight of everything and you're not going to be able to last to the end of this case and this battle that you need to stay strapped in for the long run. So that's one thing that you can do. Avoid the escalation. Stay disciplined in your communication. And then if you need support systems, like Christine said, get them. therapy, friends, family. Now, be careful with that because sometimes friends and family members will actually make the situation worse if they're not giving you good advice. But get therapy if you need it. No judge is going to be upset with you because you had to get therapy to deal with your high conflict spouse. >> That's exactly right. They look at it as accountability, responsibility, and taking accountability for your own actions. They see that you realized, I need help navigating how to manage this situation. Um, and I hate to see when clients delay that for themselves until post divorce for some reason. Um, because not only is that going to help you navigate your high conflict divorce while it's occurring, but it's going to have you so much better mentally. I'm in such a better place by the time the divorce is over. Like you've gotten sort of like everything done at once. Just imagine if divorces were split up and the first thing we did was we determined child custody, parenting time. All right, now that that's over, let's for the first time ever talk about child support. Okay, now that that's over, now let's talk about the house. Now that we've got that out of the way, let's divide our finances and then our retirement. We don't string it out because it needs to all happen at once. So, it's the same concept, not just the divorce, but you are growing, you are changing. So, why do you focus on, you know, the divorce and then you when you can handle everything at once? We're handling all the transitions all the time and your transition from a married person to a fresh freedom newly single person. You can do all of that at the same time. So don't delay your own happiness and just live in the misery and the chaos and the toxicity that is this high conflict situation. Go ahead and start getting help for yourself to get better. >> Yeah. In a high conflict divorce case, you got to strap in for the long battle, but you're not going to make it to the end of that battle if you don't have your mind right. You got to be mentally prepared. All right, mental is everything for these long haul. And frankly, if you're mentally prepared and the other side's not, they're eventually going to be the ones getting exasperated and you're going to be the one that'll end up victorious. >> Yeah. In my opinion, that's the only way to get an advantage in a truly high conflict divorce is to somehow find your zen because that's how you've beat the other party and then it's up to me and Jerry to worry about beating the other attorney. >> That's right. And if somebody needs to be the bad guy, we can do it. We're good at it. Great advice for making it all the way through the end of the case in a long battle in a high conflict divorce. Thanks for tuning in. Hoping it was helpful to you. 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