Welcome back to the Odds and Dying Law podcast. Today we're talking about something that actually is very common. I see it a lot these days and that is blended families. Everybody knows a blended family or maybe you're part of a a blended family. So, we want to give you some tips about that and some pitfalls to avoid. Christine, for those that don't know, what is a blended family? >> Right. So, blended family can have a lot of different components. A lot of times post divorce you get into a new relationship. That can be just boyfriend, girlfriend. That can be that you're remarried. And then we've got step siblings. We've got half siblings. Um all of the above. And when it comes to courts, especially dealing with things like custody, parenting time, courts are 100% going to respect a half sibling as a sibling. It is actually borderlining on derogatory in a courtroom to say something along the lines of, "Oh, that's just a half sibling." I How many times have you said to your client, "Well, I understand why, we'll just use dad. I understand why dad wants to change his parenting time schedule because he's remarried and his wife's children have this schedule over here and they're trying to get their kids on the same schedule and also they have a new baby. So, we've got the half sibling here." And you're just like, "I don't I don't care about that family. What does that have to do with me?" Well, nothing with you. It's your child. And a lot of times courts will give favor to making sure that parenting time schedules line up when it makes sense. If all we're talking about is flip-flopping the weekends, you're already in every other weekend situation and we just need to change them. So instead of some parenting plans do first, third, fifth, some do every other. So, if you've got a set of children who are on a every other weekend schedule and your spouse's children are on a first, third, fifth schedule, when that fifth weekend comes around, now you've got these kids this weekend and the other kids the next weekend, and they're never in the same house at the same time. So, blended families a lot of times do need to change around their schedules, even the holidays, holiday parenting time, same sort of thing. Can you imagine if you're now remarried and you only have half your kids on Christmas this year and then the other half next year instead of one year having all your kids under the same roof and then the next year, hey, go to the Jamaica because you got no kids. You know, >> be careful about uh who you introduce into your new family. I mean, new partners introduce new risk if you're not smart about who your new partner is. I mean, if your new partner has a history of um violence, right, or a criminal history or maybe some addiction issues and you're divorced and you start dating this person and they're around the children and then your ex finds out about it, that could be grounds for them to come in and file for a modification of of custody or parenting time. And I hate that this example always pops in my head, but this is a true story and it happened. This is probably over 10 years ago, but I represented the mom in a case and parties got divorced and then dad got married to somebody else. No red flag so far. Good story. But she had her own children, right? So classic blended family. Dad remaries, the new wife has children. They're living in the new household with dad. and my client's children that she has with dad are coming and visiting. So, long story short, her daughters, there were two daughters and my client had two sons and at night time the daughters were sneaking into the boys' rooms and touching those boys inappropriately. And dad found out about it, stepmom found out about it, but they did nothing to prevent it from happening. And it happened several times. So, long story short, I filed modification action on behalf of my client. And the judge was so appalled by the behavior and them failing to see how important it was, recognize the risk, and do anything about it, he issued an order that said, "Dad cannot exercise parenting time if new wife and stepchildren are present." And the sad part of that story is, to my knowledge, dad just stopped exercising parenting time, which is kind of sad. But I say that story just to let you know you have to be careful because these blended families can backfire on you if you don't pay attention to red flags, you don't take things seriously, or you bring a bad actor into the picture. Courts will address that and take action. Now, assuming you don't have those type of situations, let's just talk about normal pitfalls and problems that can happen with blended families. We've seen it all the time where we have a client that's complaining that the stepmom or the stepdad is disciplining my children or he's never there. You know, his new wife or her new husband, you know, they're just always taking care of the kids because they're never there. They're always at work. Sometimes that's a problem, sometimes it's not. Right. Right. >> What's good for the goose can be good for the gander. >> Sure. So, to a degree, remember we you'll hear us say it to our clients all the time. I'm sure every attorney out there says it. Your time is your time, his time is his time, your time is your time, her time is her time. So you don't get to micromanage who keeps the children on the other parents time or how they spend time with family, whether that's grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, no matter what. So stepparents or future stepparents, boyfriend, living, boyfriend, girlfriends fall in that same category. So if I decide on behalf of my children, that they are fine at home with my new husband. I don't have to be there. I trust him implicitly, these are my kids. I would never put them in harm's way. And I have a weird job working second shift. So the kids get off the bus and they're with my husband and my husband helps them with homework and cooks their dinner and gets them ready for bed and yeah, they're asleep when I get home. Does that make me a bad mom? Probably not. Does that make me doing the best I can in a post- divorce situation? Probably so. But if it's the opposite, if I actually travel for work and I do two weeks out of the state and during that entire time my new husband is picking up my kids and taking them to school and doing their homework with them and everything else, maybe that's now becoming an issue because I'm not really involved hardly at all. So, it's hard to tell like what is an issue and what isn't an issue. Most importantly, it's probably what's affecting the kids or not affecting the kids. >> Yeah, I agree. And this is just my own personal opinion from having do having done this for over 20 years. I agree with Christine. I mean, your time is your time and your ex- spouse's time is their time. And and unless you need to micromanage that time, don't do it because you're going to be dating somebody one day or you're going to get married and you're going to see no problem if you have to work or you're out of town for your new spouse to help your kids with homework or take them to their extracurricular activities or spend time with them when you're not available. Right? Because you made a responsible decision on who you've married and that is the children's stepparent. And unless there's a problem, why upset the apple cart? Now, Christine has given examples of why maybe there would be an issue and you could build in like a right of first refusal, for example, which I don't like. Again, I think that's unnecessarily micromanaging the other party's time, but start with that basic premise. Now, I will say this, even though that's the basic premise that I think you should start with, you should try to be the parent, right? Don't be a parent to the steparent. What do I mean by that? It really sucks when you're divorced and every time you need to talk to the other parent about something involving your children, you have to speak to the new husband or the new wife, right? And that gets a little old. So have those communications yourself if possible. Try to be the primary parent that's taking lead in your household when it comes to homework with the children, getting them where they need to be with the understanding that your new spouse can help out, but they shouldn't become the substitute deacto parent. if you can all avoid it. >> That's right. And I do encourage people, even if your new spouse is just the most lovely and caring and amicable person that exists, don't make them be the one that deals with your former spouse. And we often see it, again, I usually say like not to be sexist, but a lot of times the new wife does not want her husband oneon-one in a room with the ex because what if what if she comes on to him? What if it's usually a jealousy thing, but it goes both ways. Also, you know, I don't know that I want my wife spending time with her ex-husband one-on-one alone. Like, don't let jealousy or any of those emotions get in the way of being a good co-parent. Um, because at the end of the day, none of those emotions affect those kids in any way. That's all grownup stuff that y'all are putting on one another. And we need to put all that aside for the best interest of the children that are involved. So, if there are kids, try your best to be the one communicating directly with the other parent. I do know of situations that are the exception to this rule where one parent just cannot keep a cool head when it comes to dealing with their ex. They just emotionally can't handle it. So, sometimes stepparents are a really good buffer. Sometimes they can be an asset in the situation. I would say that's the exception, not the rule. But, do your best to make sure that you're doing the one-on-one communicating. Don't send your new spouse to the parent teacher conference. Be there yourself. Don't let your new spouse take the six-year-old to the dentist. Um, do that yourself to the extent that you can. Um, and if you can't, please communicate. Just don't let the other parent find out later on that I had no idea. If I would have known, I would have taken them. That sort of thing. Open communication is the best in these blended family situations because making assumptions and leaving things to inference can only lead to potential problems in the end. So just be open and honest about it and let the people meet. You know how many times have you been like I I don't want to meet her. I don't want to meet her. Well, usually if you go meet her, you're going to feel a little better. You may not like her, but at least you do know who is sitting with your kids at bedtime helping read them a story. So, you know, get the emotions aside, get the feelings out of the way, grow up, meet the other person in a, you know, social setting, and just do what's best for the kids. >> It's good advice. Couple this real quick. Some people assume or think for whatever reason that stepparents have some type of legal rights to your children. They do not. Stepparents do not have any legal rights. And then the second thing which we get asked about a lot, uh, as you all know, if you've watched our other podcast episodes, child support is always subject to modification. And so when a child support modification case is filed, we're commonly asked, "Hey, I'm remarried. My ex is asking for income information, are they entitled to my new spouse's income information? And can his or her income be used for purposes of calculation of child support?" And the answer is no. Child support is only based on the parents income, not your new boyfriend or new girlfriend, not your uh new spouse. So, uh it's just limited to the party's income. We have offices in Sani and Athens. We are ready, willing, and able to help you navigate your divorce every step along the way. Make sure you subscribe on whatever platform you're watching this podcast so that you'll be the first to know about future episodes. As always, we appreciate you joining in. We look forward to seeing you next time.